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Three nights ago (Jan.14th) I gambled and hit rock bottom. I joined this site. wrote a long message that received a lot of support, and felt good like there was hope.

The next day (Sunday Jan.15th) I got a $400 internet loan and gambled. The very next fucking day. And I won. Turned it into $2500, mind you I only cashed out $1500 of it because I’m a degenerate. But I felt some peace, like I was in control. I had a plan and I executed it and made money I desperately needed. The only problem was it wasn’t enough. But I withdrew the money so I couldn’t get access to it.

Yesterday ( Monday Jan.16th) I woke up
In the morning and waited for the money to come into my account so I could obviously deposit it back into the site and get more.. but it wasn’t coming. I contacted the support team on my gambling site and they said they thought it would come Tuesday morning.

This was a problem for me. I had a car insurance payment that was coming out of my now $0 debit account at midnight Monday. I asked a friend for help. Told him that because I was on vacation in December my paycheque was a little short and asked for his help. He’s on EI but he sent me $100.. I took advantage of a good person.. it don’t bother me because…fuck I was going to make it back. I turned $400 into $2500.. clearly I’d turn $100 into $625. I didn’t. I lost it (-$100). Then I txted another friend, told him the same story. He sent me $400.
Pissed that down the drain (-$500). Then I txted my sister. Told her the same thing but said I was $200 short and that I was getting a pay advance from my boss by Tuesday (my winnings from Sunday) she did. I gambled it turned it into $500 (-200 total on the day) withdrew $300 to make sure I had money Tuesday morning for my car insurance and tried to break even on the day… I didn’t ($-400 and still owe $300)

I got home from work and guess what. The customer staff was wrong. The $1500 was in my account. Told myself I’d only gamble $350 of it. And that’s what I did. Turned $350 into $903. “I just need to get to 1k”. I didn’t. I lost it. ($-750 of money that was in my debit account at some point that day). “It’s ok, that was a bad spin” (I play roulette). Deposited another $350.. “ this is it though. It’s ok if I lose this I’ll still have $900. I can pay back both friends and my sister and have $200 to get food for the week”. I lost that (-$1000) deposited another $300 Lost that (-$1300) got angry and deposited the last $600 and lost it.
(-$1900)

Today Tuesday. I looked at numerous more online loans. Even applied and got pre approved. I just need to confirm (i didn’t)

Instead I messaged my dad and came clean. Told him about I gambled about 50K. Although I think it’s 55.

That I’d be out of food by Thursday and don’t have any money to buy more.

He gave me all the support and love that you all said he would.

The problem is, I don’t love myself. I am so sick and tired of this shit. I contemplate killing myself a good 2-3 times a week. It’d be so much easier than walking around with the crippling depression caused by my crippling gambling that’s caused by my
Crippling depression.

I am in an endless loop of shit and pain caused by myself and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I’m not sure why I’m telling you all this. I want to believe their hope for me and that I can get better but is there? The last meeting I went to (way back in the day) was pointless. Just a room with losers like myself who talked about God, and how he’s “saved them”

God isn’t going to save me. He hasn’t heard my tearful prayers of me begging him for help. Telling him I’m scared I can’t do this on my own because I keep on gambling. I prayed In tears the night I first messaged this board trying to get help and gambled the very next day.

I’ve looked into gambling blocking apps but as just mentioned the one isn’t working.

Can anyone suggest a solution that’s helped them? I’m pretty confident. My problem is very psychological because I’m telling you all right now…. Even though I’m 55K in total debt, the only reason I’m not gambling right now is because I have $0 in my debit and CC is maxed out..Actually it’s $42 over the limit (interest from it being maxed out)

I know I’m fucked up but I know I need help.

I just don’t how. I work in the Oil fields, I’m
Away from home 25 days of the month. I hate it out here, but I can’t leave now can I…
I need the fucking money.

What should I do? Quit and get mental help instead.

I’m trapped in a prison I’ve created.

Anyways. I’m off to bed. Gotta leave for work in 6 hours. I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow so I can make money that isn’t mine !

Fuck sakes