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After having been clean for seven years, I am in the midst of fighting off gambling again. I’ve relapsed and, as my old sponsor warned, going back has proven to be more harmful than my first time around. I have given this addiction so much – my time, money, self-worth – over 20 years of failed attempts to feel satisfied. I cannot put my finger on what the void needs to be filled. I have to acknowledge it will never be filled and cut my losses. I must move on before I give this addiction everything (my life).

I feel beaten and bruised. Today, in a GA meeting, someone said, “bottom is when you stop digging.” This resonated with me. I asked myself, “How many times have I hit bottom?” Each time I gambled was a bottom, but each time I kept digging to somehow come back from the losses.

I am embarrassed. I feel a strong shame pouring over me. I get clammy, my breathing becomes labored, I feel uneasy. I feel like everyone in the world knows I’m a problem gambler, and that makes me want to hide. In those gambling moments, I rush from machine to machine, rush to the ATM – rush through to make every possible bet until all my money is gone, until I’m declined at the counter, walking away feeling utterly defeated as a human being.

Yet I keep doing it. As the combo book says, not even the biggest win makes the smallest dream come true. It is a baffling addiction. I do it without the aid of drugs, alcohol – other mind-altering chemicals. Instead, as another GA member put it, I am addicted to my own chemical makeup. I am, by nature, truly an addict. How can this be better managed? One day at a time, yes. And I have always thought to myself, the one thing none of us can control is time. I wish days, weeks, months and even years could pass by. If that happened, I’d somehow be in a better place. Again, I want something to magically happen without doing any of the work.

I want to thank SEC2022 for all his posts. I have read almost every post he has made. I do apologize for not saying thank you sooner for your candid shares. Know that your posts have impacted me in a good ways.

Thank you to everyone else, including KENL for managing all this, and posting the daily reflections.

Like SEC2022, I am going to commit to making an entry each day – even it is just to check in. I’m on very wobbly ground, and I’m willing to do anything I can to put myself back on a solid footing – one where I can be healthy in mind and spirit.