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Hi all. This is my first time posting about my gambling problem. I’m 41 and have been battling the addiction for about 20 years. I went through a really rough time in my mid-to-late 20s and thought I finally had things under control. At the time, I sought help, reached out to family and friends to admit my problem, and started taking steps to fix it. I’ve had a few relapses since then, and have been on a wild ride these past two months.

Keeping busy is important, as doing so occupies our minds and helps take our thoughts away from gambling. Lately, I’ve been bored out of my mind and limited in quite a few ways: unemployed after teaching English overseas for many years, can’t drive due to epilepsy and living in a suburban environment (so really can’t go many places without relying on others), and among other things I have no real hobbies at the moment. As a result, I’ve turned to online blackjack (live dealer) to fill the void. In doing so, I’ve blown through my savings. Everything. These sites should be illegal, to be honest.

Anyway, I reach out here now because I can’t tell family about my relapse. They’ve never bothered to fully understand the addiction and whenever they suspect that I’ve been gambling (or inquire as to whether I’ve been gambling), they do so in a harsh or judgmental way. Talking to them about it now will ruin relationships. I have spoken to one friend about my problems and it’s been helpful, but I know I need more support.

I feel so alone in this thing…

I’m feeling beyond worthless at the moment. It’s like I’m spiraling down a hole with no way out (or so it seems). Even writing this now, I wish I had 2k to throw onto a site and try again one more time. It’s sick. I realize that I’m going to have to grind to recover (this likely means teaching overseas again, as I’m having difficulty finding something I can pursue back here – in the US). Every day is a battle. Actually, it’s more like every hour.

I guess the silver lining is that I realize I want to be alive, happy, and have this thing under control. Today is my new day 1…

Sigh…