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I feel beyond stupid, ashamed and bruised. I did it to myself. I had nearly six months of clean time and it all gave way to some stupid bet of a small amount. This has lasted a couple months now and yesterday and the day before was over $1500. I am really embarrassed and ashamed. I when a hard time just functioning, keeping my head up. I feel like my secret is known to everyone. My gambling secret. I didn’t see anyone i know but the trips to the ATM and my odd behavior while gambling embarrasses me to no end. Will I ever stop for good? When will I learn? Will it be when I’m homeless and penniless and when I’ve totally alienated myself from those I love and from myself and most importantly God? I’ve been here so many times. Why do I hate myself – I must to keep on doing this.
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Jerome staying away for six months. You did really well. I’m sorry you had a slip.
I’ve hated myself many times for slipping also. I know I don’t have the answers but I continue to try and stay away. I wish along with you that it would be easier no desire to gamble. I think like Ken mentioned part of it is forgetting the pain that gambling has caused.
Or like Einstein said you can’t keep doing the same thing over again and expect a different result.
Pretty sure we’ll get it.
At the moment I’m about 2 1/2 months without slipping I want to keep going. I hope you will also sounds like when you make your mind up you are able to stay on track.
Spell check Jerme
Hi JerMe,
Be proud of yourself for being almost six months clean, the road of recovery is zigzag not a straight line so lapses will and often do happen, unfortunately. What you could try to do is 1. Remember your feeling now, the shame, the hurt, the embarrassment, and remind yourself of how they feel the next time you face an urge, try to relive these feelings in moments like those and ask yourself whether you’d like to experience them again 2. Have faith and act immediately to get back on track. You did it for 6 months, that’s solid proof you can do it again. So don’t throw the controller to someone else, you can stop for good when you decide to (and your action will reenforce your decision and belief), and you learn every time you lapse/relapse if you reflect on them.
I hope this late comment help in some way. I am a psychotherapist who has had experience working with patients with gambling disorder in the hospital. I am trying to build a self-help mobile app that requires no contact with therapists. If you are looking for resources to help yourself quit, why not sign up for it? To know more, here is the website: https://skinnerapp.wixsite.com/helloskinner
Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions or ask questions!
I have just came back on, after a 6 month fall of the wagon, gambling, hating myself, lying, hiding this addiction. I am exhausted, not sleeping, depressed and at a very low time in my life. This morning I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and said you are an addict, Today is Day 1 of Recovery. Time to start again, this difficult journey of getting well. You have had a setback JerMe, forgive yourself, love yourself, treat yourself as you would if this setback happened to a close friend. You would be supportive, encouraging, and not telling them how stupid they are, you would tell them they are courageous and to keep fighting for a better life. Sending you peace brother & grace