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Hello All,

I’m new to the community which I’m glad to have found and joined just a few days ago.

Although I haven’t read any posts from anyone dealing with an addiction to the stock market, which was my casino of choice, I know that gambling of any kind can stimulate the same mental and emotional responses akin to addiction.

I started actively trading the markets in 2011. Back then, I had zero clue about trading the markets, but I jumped in with both feet first and paid for it. After taking a break to get educated on how to trade, I came back with the expectation of consistent profitability as I’d heard others brag about and share in their social media accounts or guru websites. While I knew more than I did the first go around, I soon learned that I lacked risk management, and that my technical analysis needed work.

So, studied more, and not too long after, I deposited more money to give it another go.

This cycle of blowing up my account and then taking a break, or studying, or re-evaluating, or analyzing my results, or taking a step back to reset my mind, all things that sounded great to the uninitiated whom I thought would be impressed by my financial prowess in the markets, and to myself who was focused on the pursuit of becoming a successful trader for the freedom and riches it’d offer…that cycle of blowing up, insert “logical reasoning of choice here, repeated itself more times than I can count.

As the years went on, I grew in my professional career, met my future wife, married her, had a child, moved states and bought a new home, had another child, all great things. From the outside looking in, I had a great life and things all fell into place. What wasn’t visible or know to those around me nor myself for that matter was that what I started years ago was transforming from whatever it was in the beginning to something that’d grow in power over the years and cause me significant mental anguish, stress, financial loss, and emotional struggle.

Thankfully, being a dual family household, where both partners make a healthy salary, I had the means to continue my pursuit of becoming a consistently profitable trader. If decided to deposit money into the trading account, I saw it as a small investment to our future riches; whenever I lost money, I’d chalk it up as market tuition, telling myself that this is all necessary pain and struggle that only the real traders will ever understand. Phrases like “if you want it, bad enough, you’ll get it” or “nothing worth getting ever came easy…I was great at giving my self the necessary pep talk to suck it up and get back on the (trading) field.

Fast forward to last week, I’m sitting at my desk during the morning session, watching a call option position in $MNST go against me; this is probably the 6th time in a row that I’ve tried to nail this breakout trade that I knew would payout nicely once it went and would get me out of the red and even into the green in the month.

As my stop loss gets hit and I’m staring at another loss, I’m in disbelief and hit by the realization that I’ve lost more than $10k in the span of less than three weeks, a significant portion of the savings that were supposed to be safe in my tdameritrade account because I wasn’t taking any significant risk, was gone.

The realization hit me suddenly and generated a surge of feelings, thoughts and emotions. I was angry, ashamed, felt defeated, like I needed to get it all back and continue the path I was on, “disappearing” and sparing my loved ones and additional financial harm…while I’ve felt down and out in the past, I’ve never felt anything like this.

My wife who has a desk next to me looks over and she’s asks if I’m okay. I break out into tears and tell her everything. What’s interesting is that I could hear two different narratives coming out of my mouth, one of a logical person who’s been witness to years of self-control being lost, and the other which was that of an addict who refused to believe that they had a problem and that all they needed was another go at it.

I told her everything that came to mind, and I cried more than I can ever remember crying in my life. There was some immediate relief that came from relieving the valve of all the built up pressure and masking of how bad things had gotten. My wife being the amazing woman she is showed me nothing but empathy and grace.

Over the next few days, that moment of realization stuck with me providing both moments of pain as I thought about the money that I’d lost and would never have the opportunity to try and get back if I gave up trading, as well clarity around the seriousness of my actions and where this path lead if I didn’t put close out this chapter of my life.

I also had the opportunity to share the mental and emotional storm that I was currently navigating with my therapist and a trusted friend.

Through these discussions, receiving their love and support, hearing myself talk about myself and this problem that had developed and became bigger than myself over the year, I was able to stay in tune with the realization that surfaced days prior, and allowed me to move towards the decision I made a few days laterzto call it quits.

Today, Wednesday January 11th is the day I admit to myself that I have a trading/gambling addiction. It has been an emotion filled day with competing thoughts from the logical and addicted versions of myself. Depending on the hour, I could be thinking about how long before I replenish the trading account, or I might be thinking about the weight that’s been removed from my shoulders and excitement about what the future looks like without the pain, financial loss, and stress that trading caused for many years.

It’s hard to believe that this is my day one as an addict/recovering addict. As quickly as the thought that I might actually be an addict came, I decided to explore what giving up trading would meanand look like, and I decided with my wife’s help that this is what’s best.

I know that the road ahead and will not always be easy. Im anticipating the thoughts of “okay, you had a bad streak in the markets, and that last beating really shook you up, but let’s finish what we started”, which ill try to consciously meet with “you’re an addict. While you can and need to forgive yourself, don’t trick yourself into thinking that there isn’t a problem. Any thoughts about “trying again” are those of my addicted-self”.

I’m also excited about what the road ahead has in store for me and my family. We’ve been very blessed in many areas of our life, and have lived a good life despite the years of struggling with addiction. To think that I’ll no longer have a sleepless night due to an oversized trade tapping down on market news, never having to monitor a position while I’m at SeaWorld or Disneyland with my son, never placing a trade while driving to and from, never frantically scanning through my watchlist for anything that remotely looks like a setup to place my bet before the market close…I’ll now be able to be more present with my kids, my wife, my professional growth, my work…all the other areas of my life that was taking a backseat whenever I had a trade on. I’m excited to see what the future will look like, and when I’ll be able to look at my addiction to trading as a distant memory.