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I sometimes wonder how much my gambling is linked to a fantasy world or a Walt, Disney-ish belief that storybook outcomes could apply to my life. It might be a copout idea for sure. Maybe I bought into this idea from insecurities, and they need to feel special, knowing I never have the abilities to really reach above. Or maybe it’s just a thought that life owes me out of being bullied and put down and never understood so if I win big-time that would raise my life, to a special feeling of importance. I have worked hard being on welfare working on a masters degree and becoming a professional that was hard but somehow it wasn’t good enough and now I’m nearly broke now so I secretly see it as a way out. If I could win, what what is a lie. I guess I feel I need to finally feel I’m no longer a second class person. Others see me in a very respectful positive light, but I am having a hard time thinking of myself that way. I work in a toxic environment, where my role is not well understood, or supported. Again, a huge win or finally make me feel superior and shut others up with an arrogant way to think. I am still trying to reduce the gambling. If not stop it to be honest I think reducing is all I can do right now the lottery kiosk or outlet is just too powerful over me even with my car not working I still end up in places where I can access it. I’m