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After years of playing online poker and losing, had to delete app and not even entertain the idea of playing online again.
Similar to you I was playing on gifted money, it really had no value to me, it was a means to gamble with. I was one of the few lucky ones, it wasn’t money needed to pay rent, buy groceries or pay bills. BUT after I lost that, I spent more of my own hard earned money, money gambled wasted on stupid poker theories, all Ego driven and selfish. Money, I could of used to help my struggling kids, buy groceries, pay rent, pay some bills. Here’s the scary thing, this is how it was for me anyways, The Money at some point lost it’s value to me. When I was gambling $500 it felt like Monopoly money. I lost sight of how much $500 is , what it will buy, how it could help people, what it took to earn.At that point I was out of control. I could spend all day at home playing online, or sit in a casino and pump money into a machine hours on end ! The money was my fix so I could gamble.
So what happened next, hit rock bottom, blew a lot of money, I was no longer sleeping, lying to husband, and utterly miserable and unhappy. I was the furthest version of the True Me, I had ever been in my life, out of control, on the Road to self destruction.
At that lowest point, I had to Come clean to everyone, Surrender, Surrender,Surrender.
There are so many hard questions I have had to ask myself. Why am I doing this ????? Just for starters.
You are right Canuck, there is no quick fix for this disease, it will destroy you.
After my complete meltdown, crash and burn complete Surrender was my Divine Moment.
I felt as if the weight of the World was taken off my shoulders. For the 1st time in my life was exposed, vulnerable, and had revealed my false self. From that point,
I have made getting myself healthy my number #1 priority in life. There is no quick fix, you are going to have to put in the hard work to get better. Start filling your life with joyful purpose, positive things, get grounded, see a counsellor, exercise, meditate, heal. Be present in life. Practice mindfulness. Sorry for the long winded post, up early this morning after sleeping a solid 7 hours, feeling good, positive about life for the 1st time in years, and your post resonated with me this morning.
I will end this long winded post, gently reminding my GamTalk Community, there are No quick fixes, beating this addiction takes a concrete plan, devotion, slowly making change and reinventing yourself. The good news is, YOU ARE WORTH IT ❤️