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It was from a $50 deposit.

That is what compulsive gamblers do, it is how our brain is wired. I have done this several times over and over. If $9,000 is your total gambling debt, it would be good to stop now. Things only get worse for us. We cannot control our gambling and it is a good idea to just set aside a little each month to repay the debt. You are a good person. You are loved. You just have to start working the 12 Steps.

I’m so sorry. I just did the same thing. Only difference is the $9000 I “won” and then played away in a few hours didn’t come close to covering the hundreds of thousands I’ve lost. KC is right – our brains are wired to do this. I was doing pretty good staying away from the casinos for a few years and fell back into a few months ago. I’ve banned myself from the “reputable” on line casinos over the last few weeks, but keep finding searching for more. I’ve been so distraught and after trying to find another casino tonight, I broke down and found this site instead. Your post is the first I’ve read and I so relate to the anguish and question: “what’s wrong with me?” I think I am avoiding painful feelings when I first get the urge, but then doing things like throwing away my winnings creates even more pain. And maybe that’s the point. A new pain still helps me avoid the specific pain I was trying to avoid. Sorry to ramble on in my response to you. I’m pretty freaked out right now.am But I just know things are better when I can stay away.

It was analysing this same pattern of my play that eventually led me to stopping, recognising that the point of my playing was not actually to win money, the money merely let me play. What is important right now is that you are not too hard on yourself, I know how lousy I would feel after doing exactly the same but if you can turn that awful feeling into a learning curve it will help set you on the right path to no longer wanting to gamble. I was always waiting for that magic wand moment when I would no longer feel the need to gamble but that feeling doesn’t come without some help. For me that feeling came by breaking down and analysing my play, even whilst I was playing, I recognised that there was actually only momentary enjoyment if I won. I lost a 6 figure sum in less than a year, compensation for a permanent injury to my leg, now I have to work until the day I die on that injured leg, I am 65. I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, I don’t feel sorry for myself, I have taken responsibility for what I did, no-one forced me to do that but the more I lost the more I played. My sister told me no matter how much you had, even if the compensation had been a million you would have lost it all and she was right. Gambling is not about winning money and you need to recognise that very real fact to be able to stop, to be able to choose that you don’t want to do this to yourself anymore. You will need help, this is not easy to do this on your own, speak to someone you trust, speak to others that have been where you are right now and that have come through the other side, like GA. You are not a bad person, please do not be too hard on yourself at this time, there are people out there that will understand, you need to go to them now. Read up on the net about the mind of the gambler, the more you learn and recognise yourself within these articles the easier it will be for you to stop gambling, to no longer want to gamble.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Even reading about a win causes my heartrate to increase. I just recently did the same thing-had a win that could really help financially-but I just kept gambling and now it’s gone. It is so painful to lose. I have to stop, but I know that will mean telling my family about my relapse, and the thought of their anger Fills me with fear. They will be completely justified, I have lied and stole from them yet again. I just have to start recovery and not place a bet today. And of course go to meetings, ask for help, and try to stop.