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After years of self-destruction behind gambling I quit on 8/27/1992. It was such a glorious time; it gave me hope and confidence that it was possible to stop the chase of insanity that comes with gambling. Then it happened, I dropped my guards and allowed myself to believe I could return to gambling and control it this time; after all it had been over 20 years since I placed a bet. Well the time away from gambling did not give me control, in fact when I returned to gambling all my problems escalated. I was now spending more and chasing harder than I did the first time. The guilt and shame surrounding my behavior is overwhelmingly lonely and sickening. I currently work in the helping profession and have for the past 22 years, so on an intellectual level I know exactly what needs to be done to break the cycle. Instead I am escalating into destruction, I have spend all available credit on my credit cards, taken out payday loan with outrageous interest rates, borrowed from my elderly parents and grown children to cover my losses and stressing myself out with the denial that the one big win is coming and I will pay everybody back and get on my feet once again. I know this is lying to myself ; I will always loose more than I can ever win. I just need the courage to stop once again. I am married to a recovering addict, he understands chemical addiction, but can’t seem to wrap his mind around the addiction that I suffer with. So, his attempts at support are more forms of verbal abuse or enabling. He tells me he will watch how much I spend, and I can’t leave his side. Well my behavior is cunning, baffling and powerful, I always seem to escape his hawk eye and get into financial trouble. There are no GA meetings in my area, the last time I stopped it was with the use of NA/AA, an telephone group GA meeting and my profession. However today, I don’t have the motivation, courage or energy to return to those rooms. It is my hopes that talking about the reality of my addictions with those who are like minded I will begin to move toward the healthy, gamble free lifestyle that I once had. I am hopeful that I can once again focus on my internal self and identify what keeps me avoiding life by gambling and stop one day at a time. I read the stories I find on Gamtalk and they inspire me by letting me know I am not alone, although I feel as if I am. This is just the beginning of my journey, but I hope others will reach out to me and we can work our steps and program together and be gamble free One Day At A Time. Thanks for letting me share.