June 10, 2018 at 5:37 pm #10015
Taboos and Secrets. To be honest. I don’t want to admit to slipping or choosing to gamble for what ever or any reason. I want to keep my status of a month or 3 or perhaps in the future a year or more. Why is it so hard to let go of the hard earned month (s) of clean time and say it like it is? It is hard for me but I have to be up front because as it’s said in GA, we are as sick as our secrets. I see that there is no badge or reward that could be more meaningful than the truth. Can I /we stay honest? What if a person decides to let go of recovery and just go out there and play for a period of time? Can that person say , hey, I’m fed up and don’t want to be in this recovery and I just want to gamble for a while or who knows , but his is where I am. Well, if that is true then I suppose it’s healthy to voice what is happening and own it.
Most recently, I left an opening to gamble before my plan to self exclude and it all went to pot. I had done that also in the past. I went to casinos to self exclude and played first, causing more loss and pain before I actually did sign the self exclusion. One time in the past I took home a little winnings before I actually self excluded… but all other times when I tried this method I ended up losing amounts that caused me great pain and then had to go to that desk and exclude in that terrible head space that I was in. Too bad, this last time, which was a few days ago… when I drove two hours to self exclude and tried the playing a little first senario… I got burnt! THis was horrible because I was so exhausted that I left without self excluding. SO there is my little secret taboo. Using self exclusion for one last chance… I could travel around the country and do that! end up broke, crazy , damaged etc. Since there is no state wide exclusion that I can sign up for I will have to sit with the 7 local exclusions that I have in place and work on LIFE and recovery. If I move or have to travel near a casino I’ll need to be safe… either I’ll be stronger by then or I’ll have to exclude in a safer way than I have in the past. No need to spend a months rent and bill money in one day… ouch and ouch again.
Maybe this little secret will help someone? WHAT ARE YOUR LITTLE SECRETS AND TABOOS? WANT TO SHARE? TARA
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