I guess I am fortunate to have had so much time as an addict because it has given me a nr of tools to deal with the worst of times. I am well educated on why we gamble as I have tried to outsmart the addiction but I still don´t seem to have the breaks for this run away car.
Recently I have escalated my gambling and it has and is about to do untold damage to everything I have tried to create for the last twelve years. I am in a very dark place. I am also wondering about my options for a future as it seems to be pretty much against me atm. The word rock bottom is kicking in.
I tried to get some anti depressants from my doctor but he was unsure if I was down enough to warrant them (isnt that a kick in the head?) Well I am getting counselling but everyday stuff is very hard to deal with. Specially when u have sunk as low as I have. When I look at my kids I know I have to try. but telling people that their world is about to change from the ground up was not easy 20 years ago when I had to do it the first time and it feels almost impossible to do it again now.
This is not a scream for help. Ive been here before. I just wish I would never have to be here again.
With the amount of time I have been on this ride it feels like it wont end well for me but I would see it as the biggest achievement of my life if I could overcome this dam awful mess.
My goals would then also be to pay back by teaching younger people than myself what I know about this addiction and how to beat it.
/C43herb
Ken L 2 years, 5 months ago.
