Connecticut Lady
I want to share this – because it has been a Miracle for me. I can’t tell you how badly gambling (slots) have destroyed and consumed my life for about 15 years. There was NEVER any winning, because it would all go back in as fast as I can shove it. I won 5k one night, stuck it all back in and then another 3500 in cash advances, draining checking, cashing checks…this was the norm…always. I would stand in line at the atm, almost shaking to get up there, like a junkie. Sat waiting until 12:01 am for my check to be deposited into my account, so i could atm it all out, leaving me nearly nothing to live on. I worked a lot and made good money, but couldn’t even put together enough to get a $2.00 car wash. Wrecked my car a couple times, driving home so tired I couldn’t see straight…and on and on it went. Lead in to the Change – I’m going somewhere with this, s stay with me…At one point in my life I was in a very toxic relationship with a man I had no future with – and it was very bad for me mentally and physically…I started talking to a psychologist about why I stayed and could not leave – almost like I was addicted to him. After a while, we figured out why I was doing it (I had my mother abandon me at age 7) and I had pushed this man away time after time and he stayed…leading to my stuck state of toxicity. Once I wrapped my head around why I was doing what I was doing, a switch was flipped and I left.
The gambling was going to kill me, I too froze a credit card, set limits on debit card, but it was still there – the desire to go, just waiting to fall off the wagon. It still had my mind, that sick sick feeling of consumption. Last thing I could think of, I went to see a psychologist, a pretty good one about 4 months ago. I told her I had to figure out why I kept ruining my life with the gambling. I thought – like before if I knew why I was doing it, I could stop. One night coming home from a night out during white knuckled cold turkey…I had a thought and I spoke it into the notes of my phone. – It was that I was thinking about gambling, at the moment I did not want to do it, but I was not sure if I would be alright with not feeling that sickening gut twisting disappointment in myself that I would feel after losing everything – as I did every time I played. She said that it made sense because my childhood was very volatile with severe ups and downs and a repetitive (similar) sickening, sinking, on egg shell feeling I would get when my bipolar parent would become abusive and terrible. (at least once a week) but it was always laying in wait. – She pointed out, that was my way of life, and although miserable it was familiar. After this revelation I can say, no joke I 100% have had 0 desire to gamble since. I had a dream I was at my favorite casino about 2 weeks ago, and I felt sick and walked out…this was once the only place i ever wanted to be…It is a true miracle. Of course the financial fallout remains and likely always will, but I am now Truly Free! Maybe if you think about how you really feel about your gambling, you too can look to your past and find out why you are stuck. I know the slots are fun and exciting and hypnotic and and and…but if you have it bad, where it is not just a fun pastime but hijacking your mind, and ruining many aspects of your life – there is more to it than that. My apologies this is so long, but if it can help – and I hope it can, may have been worth the read. All the best friends.
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