I have tried quitting on my own. Half hearted efforts that last for a month or so. Then I start small again. Slots. Stupid mesmerizing slot machines. I live within 30 minutes of 4 Indian casinos in my area.
I have gotten cash advances, ran my checking account low, depleted my savings, tapped into my retirement savings.
I want it to stop. I pray for strength, but I talk myself into doing it all over again. It is maddening.
I have won a few times, but always go back just to give it all back. I never leave when I am up a little….I just want more.
There is nothing telling me that is enough…you have won all you are going to win. There is no game over message on a slot machine.
My credit is still good, and I managed to pay off credit card advances. But I started again. And I feel like total crap when I do it. I can drop 1000 dollars an afternoon easily. Then suffer through a week of interrupted sleep, my thoughts being how stupid I am.
There is nothing rational about any of this. I constantly rationalize it to myself though.
I need this to stop. I need to stop.
It is rough. I am only on day 1 if not gambling. I went to the G.A. site and lifted a meeting near me and will be attending tomorrow. It’s a scary feeling to go out into the world and expose my addiction with gambling but I have come to the point where I know for a fact that it’s impossible to stop on my own because gambling remains “my secret”. I can cover it up and stress myself out and self loathe and that is getting me no where. Just take it one day at a time. I relate to your winning and playing it back because that’s been my issue as well. And I have to say i could relate to you describing it as a half hearted effort because it is something I feel like I crave in a sense. Again, beat it one day at a time. Sending you prayers of strength.