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I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. I am a hybrid pathological gambler; preference to action gambling, but easily default into escape gambling when overwhelmed. My earliest gambling history began at age 8. Resurfaced at age 14, declined then resurfaced at 19. A university career put on hold as I pathologically gambled until the age of 23. I retained a holding pattern of refraining from gambling until I turned 40 without therapy. However, I destroyed everything I had accomplished in four short years of perpetual action/escape gambling. Each time throughout my history, I accomplished much during the time I abstained from gambling, only to lose everything in a very short period of time when I ‘ relapsed ‘. I am reality based, I understand every time I relapse, the damage is compounded with every year I age. It is much more difficult to piece together a life foundation as one ages. Money is more difficult to obtain, credit is much more difficult to repair, relationships are much more difficult to create and maintain. What I have gained in experience and wisdom, I have lost in resiliency. I believe shame is at the core of every CG’s behaviour and as we age that shame, if not dealt with, is validated by social beliefs and norms. What we should have, what we could have, what we do have, what we have done or, should have done equates to what we should now be. Pathological gambling leaves us with few outside resources simply due to financial devastation. Our inner resources, already lacking, must be addressed, this is much more difficult later in life, as our held beliefs and attitudes become more entrenched as our age progresses. I reflect today with great sadness I didn’t know then, what I know now. Treatment at different points in my life hinged on the fact I was still young, with youth there was hope to rebuild, to conquer, to create and recreate a life well lived. This is no longer factual and in my worst moments no longer feasible. Nonetheless, we must keep moving forward, and rather than fall into the should and could have, focus on saving what can be saved, salvage what we are able, and do our very best to move beyond the shame. I own my gambling history, my biggest regret I allowed it to own me. To the younger people on this site, do not take your youth for granted, do not use your youth as false security in battling this sickness. Youth may give you an advantage in the war, but all the battles this sickness creates in your life will only serve to weaken you as time progresses. It is not worth the action, or the escape. Every minute in your life counts, don’t spend it behind a table or in front of a machine. For those of you that are older, I am proud you are actively in recovery, we may be losers in gambling, but we aren’t quitters in life.