Activity

Hi Cpart
I’m sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I think when we leave something even though what we’ve been doing is definitely no good for ourselves. It makes us face ourselves more. Or what we’ve done. It can be and is painful because we know we f-Ed up. Not intentionally ever wanting to hurt anyone including ourselves.
You mentioned a few things about your addictions. I don’t know if you are seeking help for that. And to be honest with you when dealing with addiction good help is hard to find often.
I’ve been down that road with a family member of mine and in an addiction with drugs and of some of the worst kind. That family member after a couple of years of trying to recover and it took a couple of years for them to get to the point of completely stopping. That family member was gambling a bit also but not full fledge gambling their problem was mostly drugs.
I’m not sure where you live. I am in Canada. And to date and where I live our government system is very poor in administering proper help. Most of the people in my opinion treat their job as a job and not much more. And they’re not doing their job to help people get better. I think part of it is because they haven’t been where you my family member and I have been they don’t understand enough to help. I finally helped place my family member after a couple of years in the government system and them trying to get straight in a private rehab. They went for one month. That helped turn the tide.And after that I stayed by their side for a couple of years. Desperate for them not to slip back. And they didn’t.
Right after rehab that person expressed to me how low they felt and for nearly a year but they slowly drew them selves out of that depression. I should mention the private place they went. Nearly every person working there was addicted to something at one point in there lives and serious addictions they were able to rise out of they understood and were I’m going to say strict in a very kind way.
You mentioned you are avoiding family and friends that’s too bad. If you could choose just one of those people that you feel has sense and you can confide in. I’d suggest giving them a call and having a chat. Choose as wisely as possible and is saying that it’s hard to say if they will understand I would hope so. You Need someone in your court.
I think youare making great progress just gambling twice in a month. It sounds to me that possibly you are struggling with more than gambling I’m not sure. You need to seek some professional help. Even if it has to be government. You are older and wiser and likely will be able to choose better than my family member could have at the time due to being a younger adult. What will work for you.
http://www.paulnoiles.com this person was part of the group that helped my family member get out of their addiction in the private centre he has since gone on his own written a book and charges only $79 an hour for his help. I believe he offers help on line. And from what he openly says he’s been through addiction. I have met him and he really is a good person. He may be really good for you to reach out to.
This site I know you are aware there are people who really care about what you are going through are here to help also.
You also have friends here distance is at least closed a bit due to the Internet.
Getting better is a process it doesn’t happen in a day or over night as nice as that would be. But it just doesn’t. It takes some time.
I have struggles also and even though I am staying strong I believe I have some pretty big hurdles in front of myself. I’m going to keep my chin up and jump through them and make life the best that I can. We are in this together my friend one day at a time.

Cpart.. if it’s any consolation I (and others) have felt a lot of what you’re feeling…. the crying… hating what I was doing… wishing I could just disappear… feeling isolated. For me I felt like a phony. The thought that I had to hide from what I was doing from others. ‘If they only knew’ etc etc. You said ‘addiction’s’ so possibly you’re fighting two battles. As Serenity said in her comment, at some point you need support from ‘someone’ whether it’s a friend you trust completely to accept you and help with a plan; or a doctor or an organization that helps with addictions of different kinds. I don’t believe you should bottle up all of this and try to deal with it yourself. In any case take care of yourself and try to reach out… Lindy