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Funny how I had money in my account last week. Enough to pay bills, etc. Since then, I had borrowed again from 2 family members. Lied again as usual. I now feel worse than ever. Guess I thought I had enough to play around a little. Not so. Now I’ve missed 5 big monthly payments and collectors are after me now. Stress eats me up. Been a long while since I got notices from “The Bill Collectors”. Sitting in a casino, playing slots online, I could have thousands in my hand yet it’s just wasn’t enough. It never, ever, ever is enough. Give me an hour and I won’t have a dime to my name. I can spend thousands in no time. Self pity is on the top of things to change in my life. You know, no amount of counselling, talking or writing about my pain has helped over the years. I’m running on empty, contemplating …. nothing will change anything in my past I know that, regarding money. Nothing will recover my losses, I know that, but nothing has soothed my unending pain in my heart and mind. I haven’t drank or done drugs in 40 yrs. this Nov. 4th( an accomplishment) but still I live with great emotional pain every single day and nothing eased it until I met gambling. Temporarily of course. But it’s how I self medicated as I can’t drink, do drugs or smoke cigs.(gave that up 10 yrs ago). Meanwhile, I have ‘t found even one thing to substitute gambling. Gambling took the place of cigs., drinking and smoking weed. Take that away, well what I consider what’s left, looking at the world and thinking, I’ve still got to live here on earth for another 40yrs. (at least my calculation as longevity runs in my family) so to most that would be a blessing. To me, a curse. What do I do for the next 40 years? How do I get through the next 24 hours without going nuts, not having any crutch to lean on? I become bored just thinking about it all. Just retired at 60(32 yrs. govt. job)., no children, no spouse(divorced as I was married to my job and money)no real friends, retired right into the pandemic, like adjusting to that wouldn’t be challenging enough. Then my addictions councillor of 5 years tells me she’s retiring at what I found out to be our last time together. Felt like I was driven out of town, brought 80 miles in the bush in the dark, blindfolded, told to keep the blindfold on, then to the count of 100 before removing the blindfold, and told to find my way out on my own, in complete darkness with no help of any kind. I’ve searched and pleaded for help, someone to call me back, which hasn’t happened. Not weak, just desperate.
Strange I feel more desperate with this addiction, than I did with cigs., alcohol and drugs. Yes folks, I’ve had them all. Sadly, I say this with disgust and remorse. This has been a 30 yr. career of gambling for me. Sad with sadness. I now live on my money pension cheque(far away from familiarity as this is all I can afford with zero savings)as I’ve lost everything over the yrs. to gambling.
I want everyone who reads this to know that what you’re reading is “HOPE”. I believe there is an answer to my devestating dilemma. I still have Hope!!! I’m reaching out.
I sometimes think my God doesn’t hear or see me. “He” does, it’s me who’s ignoring “Him”.
I will carry on another day, with hope. This is what I have in my hands today.
Thanks for listening.
I like what Ken wrote sometime back. (Thank you)
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”.
There is “Hope”. We just have to be willing to try.
Thanks for listening.