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This week I won and lost BIG at the casino. I thought after winning big, I’d be able to be focused and controlled. The win was solid. It was going to make the holidays fun.. then we decided to go back. I had been so happy to shop and share my good fortune. Mom and I went back .. so she can play. While waiting, I sat down and started playing small.. then I went to the high limit area. I crossed that line .. I started losing and the next 12 hours would turn out to be a nightmare. I lost all that I could pull from my bank (all the recent win). When that was gone, I took mom home and grabbed ALL the cash I could get my hands on (including my stash and mom’s). I went back to the casino and won more jackpots.. but I did not stop and again lost the monies. Went back home for desperate pulling together of whatever funds, borrowed from whoever I could reach to head back. I won again .. and just could not manage to stop. What is wrong with me that I cannot just STOP???
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The worst thing to happen when I gamble, is when I win. My brain is just flooded with a need to win again. The losing feels physically painful. I feel sick. I’ve done the search for every last dollar I can get my hands on, just so I can keep playing. I’m planning on going back today, because I can steal my husbands stash. I do not want the horrible guilt and worry I know I will feel after I take the money, but I just keeping screaming in my head that I have to try and win money. I just have to play one more time, and try to set things right. As I write that, I can see the craziness of the desperation I feel this morning. But, I feel like the only way this binge will stop is when I have completely exhausted every possible chance. Even when I win, I can’t stop chasing the next win. This is horrible. I feel horrible. If I could leave when I’m ahead.
That’s the problem as an addict we can’t stop, I think exactly the same way as you when I gamble
I thought about having a drink earlier (I’m sober), but I didn’t want to spare the cash on anything other than gambling. Which is a unsustainable method of recovery from alcoholism.
Have you never thought of finding some counseling ?
When I hit my bottom I found a counselor and worked on my cognitive thinking
My mind was so screwed I had to work on rewiring it and breaking my myths surrounding gambling’
I have talked to different counselors. I just keep going back …
As they say there is never a BIG ENOUGH WIN for a compulsive gambler.
I think the worst thing that ever happened in my gambling “career”, was a big win seven years ago. That euphoria changed my thinking permanently. I keep thinking I won because my mind cintrolled the machine through sheer willpower. Which is completely contrary to logic, but I have this delusion that I have a superpower to influence the algorithm’s in the slots.
This is so true ! I find myself thinking 🤔 why didn’t I just keep the winnings?? I have won enough to give me a decent cushion but I just go back and give it back! Serious 🧐 mental flaw!