hello

[rusty]

thanks sab!

yeah, i think i am ok about how things are working out. little bit disappointed, was supposed to be working in the morning, but got told that it was cancelled. had about 6 or 7 days work arranged for the first half of december, and bit by bit it was cancelled. a bit of a blow, but decided that it was best to roll with the blows.

if i really think about it, it could send me into a decline, and that is something that i really need to work at avoiding

was out playing bridge tonight. not played for at least 4 weeks, so was quite rusty. Made some really barking bids, but on the other hand had one or two stunning hands. came away thinking how inconsistant my play was tonight, and also thinking that since i wont be working into the new year can start up my bridge lessons again.

have made an appointment to meet up with a potential supervisor tomorrow. Have been really very slothful about getting this organised. think the prospect of my placements is totally terrifying me, and in my screwed up mind set decided that if i didnt have a supervisor, i couldnt start my placements!!!! Anyway, my counsellor gave me an attitude adjustment, and i had a training session at my prospective organisation last night, and the counselling services manager kicked my butt. Sooooooooooooooooo .............. will put that piece into the jigsaw and see what happens


i had a 5,000 word assignment due for 4th december, and got it in last thursday. really chuffed with myself. that is an all time first for me to have an assignment in so far in advance of cut off date. totally unheard of!!!!


my daughter is having a rocky time right now. she was back at the psychiatric assessment team tonight for an adjustment of meds. Hoping that there is enough time for her meds to kick in before we go away on holiday. i am thinking that on top of her problems there is also a degree of SAD there for her too. Being completely selfish, i dont really need her to start to kick off now. My head is above water just now, but only just.

I HATE THE WINTER MONTHS

I WISH THAT THEY COULD BE MADE ILLEGAL, AND BANNED FOR GOOD

i want, wish and desire only to be in sunshine and light.

Anyway, i am going to spain for a couple of weeks soon. Only 12 more sleeps to go till i am in weather that is slighly better than this.

when all is said and done, i am really really determined to get through this winter without a dip. 21st dec is a real turning point in the year for me. Psychologically, when i know that we are into longer days i cope a bit better, so i guess we are talking only 3 weeks. these next 3 weeks are important for me to keep thinking positive.

my newest affirmation is - just for today, i will continue to smile

it has helped with all the bad news of my work situation.

last night my daugher went to casino and lost a couple of hunderd.

Anyway, think i should go to bed. Feeling really tired, and if i let myself continue to think while feeling this tired, may not be in my best interests

ohhhhhhhhhh, last monday i went for a massage. absolutely fabby. So good in fact that i persuaded my hubby to buy me a day ticket at the spa for my xmas - how good is that???????????

nite nite

love
rusty
xx

[rusty]

well, how about this then?

16th feb, clocks will be changing in a few weeks, and my head is still above water?

that is one hell of an achievement for me. am really pleased with my progress this year

struggling a bit with parents. My mum and his dad. both are having health problems, and life is a bit stressful at the moment. Especially on the days where his dad and my mum have health problems on the same day, and require our immediate attendance!!!! We comfort ourselves by saying to each other - 'this too shall pass' but for the moment, its difficult.

Havent been working since mid dec, and have been so busy that i havent really missed work. Hmmmmm, read back diary to last year and see how i was fretting about not being in work!!! Great how things change and perspectives change??

have tried to get back to my bridge classes. Unfortunately, time has been against me. Managed 3 or 4 classes this year so far, but its not looking good for immediate future. i had booked myself on a bridge weekend in early march, but decided to cancell it yesterday. so many other pressures demanding my time at the moment.

my 3 day break in iceland was absolutely fantastic. i got to swim in the blue lagoon. this has been a real ambition for me, and i finally achieved it. when we got to blue lagoon, i got a bit emotional and tearful. to my horror, daughter had video going, and then i heard her say to video - 'oh look, surprise, mum is crying!!!' Oh joy i thought, cant even have a quiet emotional moment without it being preserved for the years to come

i guess i was thinking the other day about how gambling can be used as an escape from real world pressures and stresses. And how i gambled to escape real world stresses and pressures. Also thinking about how far i had come, and how gambling wouldnt occur to me now. there are significant things going on for me just now - parents not withstanding, and i am right there facing it head on. I guess coupled with the fact of this time of year, i am in remarkably good shape, and really grateful for where i am with me.

love
rusty
xx

[rusty]

i feel like i have just been kicked in the gut

i have been really worried about my mother since just before xmas. Her physical health hasnt been too good. At xmas the signs and symptoms of heart failure was leaping out at me, and on top of that she had a chest infection

the doc is fiddling with her medications, and that is helping up to a point

but my real worry has been her mental health. I guess over the last year i have been thinking has she got dementia, or am i over reacting.

but recently, i have been having what i can only describe as quite bizaar converstations with her, and this has had alarm bells ringing for me.

but today, was the real cruncher.

details are not important, but i seized an oppertunity to ask her if i could phone her doc to ask about something re the conversation we had just had

so when i managed to speak to doc, i said to her that i was worried that i was seeing the early signs of dementia in my mother. To be totally honest, what i was hoping for was doc to say, nah you are imagining it

but doc didnt say that. doc said that she has had that resting on her back burner since she met my mum - just after xmas.

really dont know what to do with my feelings at the moment. they are all over the place. really having a tough time coming to terms with this. I fear that it will be down hill from now on. no matter how you look at it, dementia doesnt improve. she lives 60 miles away from me, and i am an only child. so the whole responsibilty for this falls on my shoulders.

On top of this, my hubby's 93 year old dad is in hospital at the moment with the bowel bug called c-diff. he has been having bouts of diarrhoea since just before xmas, and he was eventually hospitilised with severe dehydration. So he has been on a drip for the last 4 or 5 days. Doc from hospital phoned today, i took the call, and was told that on top of the c-diff, he also has the superbug MRSA. Oh joy!!! we are not sure about the rehab plans, but its going to mean a whole lot of work there as well. my hubby is an only child as well.

the good thing about his family is that they do visit the old boy - cousins etc. and we are only 20 mins away. My son lives in the same town as the old boy. But my mum has no one because over the last 20 something years my mum has pushed everyone away because she has been so independent. but after my dad died 25 years ago she fell out with all of his family, and now all her friends have died, she really is on her own.

really really feel that the wind is out of my sails this evening

love
rusty
xx

[Sab]

I am really sorry to hear that, Rusty.
Getting older is an awful thing. It can be so hard to bear all of that responsibility on your shoulders as a carer, remember that you need to look after yourself too. There are some great support services out there, please look into them now before you are too busy.
Also, no matter what the age, watching our parents health decline is emotionally hard to deal with. Acknowledge what this means to you as her child but try to deal with it as an adult.
Sending you a virtual hug.

[rusty]

as always, thanks sab

just a little update

a friend sent me the following

TheWorry Boxes

On a sheet of paper write a list of your worries. Then cut the list into strips.

Get three boxes
Name one box the things I can’t change

Name one box the things I can’t change yet

Name one box the things that can be changed

Look at your strips of paper with your worries on and put them in the appropriate boxes.

You now have your worries in a sense of order and you can begin to work on the things that can be changed. Maybe take on worry out of that box each day and deal with that worry if it can be solved during that day then do the same the next day. If not do not take another worry out of the box until you have dealt with the one in hand. Once you have dealt with the worry screw that piece of paper up and throw it away.

Only move on to the things I can’t change yet once your first box is empty.


on thursday nite i went to bed with what i thought was the worries of the world on my shoulders. i did the exercise in my head, and as i finished it, i could feel the shift in my feelings and thoughts

i so needed that shift, as i really thought things were getting on top of me to the point where i really felt as though i wasnt coping

then began to think that i had put in so much work to get to this time of year in decent shape to go under now was such an injustice, and all thoughts of thoughts around that

but that exercise made such a difference, i cant beleive the difference that it made for me. in some ways its a bit like the sernity prayer of GA, but it seems a little more practical

anyway i am grateful for the time my friend took to send it to me

some things cant change - like my mum, its going to be down hill all the way for us both now, but at least i know what is going on, and have had my pitty party, so will just cope with what it throws up. i am certain that it wont be easy, but at least i understand what is ahead and so i can prepare myself a little better

with my father in law - well, i expect that he wont be with us by xmas, and i dont think things will get any easier, so again i am prepared to roll with what happens, and when it happens

on a brighter note, i have 11 hours logged now, with 149 to go. so there is an end in sight??????

love
rusty
xx

[rusty]

have to say, i am feeling really low and really really down just now

on the surface, getting on with life, doing what i need to do, but underneath that surface, feeling shit

i appiled for a job at beginning of feb. got an interview, and was offered the job. a week later, the job offer was withdrawn. one of the people i gave as a reference has stabbed me in the back

havent had an urge to gamble until now, but right now, i could easily throw in the towel and gamble myself to death

i spend my life these days supporting other people, am in anyone's corner who needs me, would do anything for anybody without thinking about it

and yet ...................

people i trusted can, with out a second thought, stab me in the back

you have to wonder what is the point of living when life is anything but a level playing field

i have totally and completely lost my faith in human nature, and people in general

[Linda]

Hi Rusty, I am new here, however, I can tell you that all is not lost, not everyone is out to get you, stay positive and you shall prevail

[Linda]

wish I could figure out this, whole time thing, it is not 4.45 pm, here it is 2.45 pm, hope that dont confuse anyone.

[ShaunGTI]

Hey Rusty,

People can do strange things. Perhaps somehow that job wasn't right for you in the grand scheme of things. They that when one door closes, another door opens.

[Sab]

What crappy news. I am so sorry to hear about your job offer. Hopefully something can be sorted out with this potential employer if the referee was being disingenuous? At least you now know not to use that person as a reference again in the future.
The mark of a great person is not how they deal with life when times are easy, but by how they cope when times are rough. I know you'll pull through this without resorting to gambling and I have no doubt that you will be on to better things in no time. I'm glad you came here to vent a little, it's much healthier than keeping it all inside.