thoughts from the other side ............

[ktya]

Originally Posted by ShaunGTI

Hey ktya,

I was almost in the same situation with my girlfriend except I was causing the problems. Have you met her family yet? Are they aware of the issues? Perhaps its time to issue and ultimatum if you feel it has got that bad. You have to remember that you need to live a full life as well and not be anyone's punching bag.

hey shaungti thanks for chatting to me someone to talk to who understands is awesome

no i havent met her family yet. her family doesnt really know about me they live in another city and she hasnt really shared that she is with me with them. i dont know if they are aware of the issues but they must be at least somewhat aware... she had children with 2 different fathers and she lost custody after the breakup in both cases i can only assume that gambling had to have at least a part in it as she worked in casinos there and gambled there when she lived in that city

on the ultimatem issue... yeah she had asked me for "a break" a few weeks ago... and it got me to doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluation of the whole relationship... i was feeling like, "hey, if i am being this patient and understanding about the anxiety and the gambling and the money issues and i'm still being a good boyfriend and not getting mad... and now you want a break from me?". she gave me umpteen assurances that she didnt want to break up at all and that wasnt what it was about, but it did give me cause to really re-evaluate everything. the break didnt really last much i saw her and went to her place only a couple days later but i did still tell her i was doing a lot of thinkign

so i made my mind up that there were some issues and these issues were gonna have to change. most importantly the male friends, or friends in general thing... she has all these poker friends and i've never met any of them, she says they are "not important" and thats why shes never introduced me to them. my guess is that these hanging out with friends things were just ways to cover up extra gambling, seeing as they are all people who she met playing poker or at work at the casino, and then secondarily about the money requests

but just feel that i had enough when she scheduled one of her rare weekend days off to go to the states to go and gamble, and then when she returned she didnt even let me know she was back.. i kind of flipped. i started talking to her about how she has a gambling problem and she is going to have to deal with it because it is the root of most of her problems. she didnt want to hear any of it and she was feverishly clicking away... probably playing online poker right then and there when i was telling her she had a problem.. she hung up on me 5 times and eventually just let me talk and put the phone down next to the computer

thats part of the frustration. she keeps her work friends, her poker friends, and me and her 'real' only friend all separate, of course the family doesnt even know i exist... so it's pretty hard to try to organize any kind of an intervention because she tells me she only gambles 2 times a month and she probably tells her work buddies she plays with the same thing but goes with them another 2-3 times a month and then these poker friends she connects with once or twice a month it all adds up.

what i need the most from her is just 'time in'. it seems that when she has a big loss she calls me and wants to see me right away, we hang out, have crazy sex, and then she is depressed for a few days and doesnt want to see anyone, then tips come in from work and she's got lots of stuff to do, a friend to meet or a poker tournament to go or 'laundry to do at home' that never gets done (online poker) and then she runs out of money and needs cash for something important like gas or medication or food then the cycle starts over again

i'm resigning myself that the way this relationship stands there's no way it can continue. like you say i cant be used as the emotional punching bag, as the person to console her when she's down on her luck and broke and then the second cash flows in she is busy having fun with other people - at the casino.

[ShaunGTI]

Sounds like you have kind of already made a choice regarding continuation of the relationship. Have you ever asked to go with her to the casino? See how she plays etc? Perhaps you can be her time keeper and money manager while she is playing...?

[ktya]

Originally Posted by ShaunGTI

Sounds like you have kind of already made a choice regarding continuation of the relationship. Have you ever asked to go with her to the casino? See how she plays etc? Perhaps you can be her time keeper and money manager while she is playing...?

Well I havent completely made my choice yet but I am firm on one thing - that certain aspects of our relationship are going to have to change significantly if I am going to continue it. I can be very kind and supportive and patient like I have been but in a real relationship thats progressed this far I expect to get "time in" other than sleeping and to get to know her friends.

I have offered to go to the casino with her a few times. I tried to take a bit of interest in poker, learning a bit of the rules and sitting with her while she played online. She was going to go to the US to gamble on Sunday and I said to her why not bring me along (my sister works at that casino) but she said it was girls only and no guys allowed. A few times she was at the casino and I said I'd come down but she didnt want me to.

She has complained about friends who are waiting around for her when she's playing poker, even poker playing friends (she has a friend who is a professional player, and at times he's said to her, time to go and she just got upset with him), and that I think is part of the reason why she doesnt ever want to make plans with me after the casino - because if she says she'll be here at 8 I kind of expect her to get here by at least 10 - not 4 oclock in the morning.

So yeah she again wants to keep it all seperate. She seems to be hyper-compartmentalizing everything; friends, co-workers, boyfriend, gambling time, quiet time, friend time. I think by putting up barriers between all these aspects of her life she is very effectively hiding how much she is actually gambling - or so she thinks.

I think a time limit and budget buddy is a fantasic idea but unless she realizes she has a problem I dont think that that would be possible. I think she is right now in the desperation phase. She owes so much money and she is gambling to try to cover her monthly expenses and catch up on her debts, so as of the past few weeks the gambling has gotten significantly worse. I guess thats the reason for the "break" and that I've barely seen much of her since rent day.

I dunno. I want to be supportive and not walk on her when she probably needs me the most... but its hard to be supportive of someone who is never around.

[ktya]

just an fyi

i broke up with the girl. it was kind of sad but I stressed to her that there would need to be changes or it would be over. i did not want to feel 2nd best to poker any longer.

she wasnt ready to make any changes and wanted to continue gambling, so i broke it off.

any gamblers reading this, dont lose a good mate because gambling is more important. when your markers run out you'll wish you had someone to help you out.

i was ready to go to GA meetings with her, go to gamanon meetings myself, the whole nine yards. she just wasnt ready, it wasnt her time to wake up and see the damage gambling has caused in her life.

you'd think $40,000 in losses, the loss of custody of 5 children in three different attempts at starting families, a long string of boyfriends and significant others, and most of her nice jewelery and items would have maybe given her the nudge that it was time. unfortunately, this industry is a scourge on society and will continue to destroy lives. not mine.

[ShaunGTI]

Hi ktya,

Well I think you saw that coming and were prepared so hopefully it wasn't a shock. You are correct that she just wasn't ready yet. Unfortunate for her. Good for you for remembering to take care of your needs as well. I'm sure you will find a new girl soon enough and have plenty of happy times ahead.

Keep posting!

[ktya]

Originally Posted by ShaunGTI

Hi ktya,

Well I think you saw that coming and were prepared so hopefully it wasn't a shock. You are correct that she just wasn't ready yet. Unfortunate for her. Good for you for remembering to take care of your needs as well. I'm sure you will find a new girl soon enough and have plenty of happy times ahead.

Keep posting!

She took it pretty well actually, I was more worried for her than for me other than feeling a bit guilty for breaking up with someone who, while they did me no wrong it just wasnt working.

Already found a new girl. I will still be friends with the gambling ex, she knows nobody in her life who doesnt gamble. She is really a sweetheart but just hooked on the poker circut so bad. Its quite sad actually.