hello

[rusty]

yeah u are right, i was venting
gambling is never an option
the problem would still be there whether i gambled or not

i guess there are times where taking the cowherds way out seems the easiest. yesterday when i got the news that it was my referee who stabbed me in the back i just felt so gutted

the job offer was withdrawn 2 weeks ago, and i guess my mood has been tumbling since then, and yesterday i got confirmation via my union rep. Until yesterday, i was hanging on to the slim hope that the decision would be reversed

at the moment feel so down. since just before xmas it has been a series of disappointments, and kicks in the teeth. I was saying to someone the other day how it just feels like i am one of those clown dolls that get knocked over to stand up again, to get knocked over again. i am just exhausted from trying to keep standing.

so yes its good that there is somewhere like this to come and vent. by venting here, i can keep the outside facade going.

[rusty]

still feeling really down

cant shake the feeling. dont really have anywhere to take these feelings.

If i could have a wish come true, it would be to just have someone really, and i mean really, understand and care about how i am feeling.

[Sab]

I'm sorry you're feeling low right now. I don't really have a witty response prepared to make you magically feel better but I do know that sometimes the best thing we can do is to really let ourselves experience emotions (good or bad) so that we can move forward. I hope that you start to feel back to your normal self soon. We are here for you.

[rusty]

hi thanks sab

i have just done those worry boxes, and u know? everything i had went into the box that i cant change

life is dealing me a bum deal at the moment. Just feel i am juggling so many balls in the air at the moment, and cant understand why

had had so many knocks in life, and usually i can bounce back, but this time i just dont have the energy to bounce back

too many voices in my head, and too many decisions to make and not really having a sense of right or wrong decisions

cant do this

cant

[rusty]

oh boy, this is beginning to sound like a real sad sob story. wished i could be able to post something positive, but its beginning to feel like its just one thing after another

we went on holiday to arizona, and had a really nice time. came back on tuesday to find that my mother hasnt been too well. on thursday she was admitted to hosptial, and on friday she went into respiritory failure. fortunately the nurses and medical staff have been able to bring her back from the brink, but she is still not out of the woods yet.

I was saying to hubby and daughter today that i am so tired, i am past the point of sleeping. with the jet lag kicking in - both going and coming back, its been such a long time since i have had a decent night's sleep.

to visit my mother, i have a 120 mile round trip. its exhausting, and its beginning to show. today, i pulled in to a petrol station and totally misjudged where i was driving, had an argument with a yellow post, so my little red carlost and now has yellow mingled in with it!! yesterday i went to a bank machine, intended to withdraw £20, but hit the £200 button instead!!!

really hoping and praying for a change in this general down turn. someone said to me at new year, that it looked like this year was going to be tuff - well i am reluctant to ask ........... how much tuffer can it get, but ............?

anyway, thanks for listening, appreciate it

love
rusty
xx