Many years ago approximately about 10 while feeling extremely unwell mentally and physically and with no medication that could resolve the matter I left a relationship I was in. As a means to feel comfort and feel hope I turned to gaming machines, I had been exposed to them once with my boyfriend and I recall we had a won of about $1500. I turned to gambling for years on and off probably 5 years in total or so. I would be working and moving out had some relationships that ended one could have been because of the gambling. My health never seemed to improve as I lived in a dark place day in and day out searching for answers seeing doctors doing what I could to find a solution. I recall seeing counsellors going to a GA meeting but nothing could help me. Until one day While with my boyfriend at the time I was studying flower essences I was probably about 29. My heart sang with joy as I rang a naturopath I had found and explained to her I needed to try them. I began the flower remedies and became so in tune with my higher self that I had the courage to leave the relationship which had turned very toxic. I left feeling very traumatised and until today I believe I still carry the memories of that trauma. Leaving Sydney and moving to Perth changed my life. I had no urges to gamble there was no gaming machines in Perth except a casino. My health had made such a huge turn around I believe I had found the correct medication too at the time to deal with the trauma. With a combination of the flower essences to begin with the medication and my move to another city, alone although I new one friend there I was on my way to a place in my heart I thought never existed a place called my inner home. My relationship with my parents was very very unstable as I was from a strict family and they could not understand and know how to deal with me over the many years of my ill health and trauma. Things would just get worse and worse. In Perth I didn’t gamble for over one year, well I did go to a casino but it was just a social thing and I was pretty bored being there knowing well that true happiness for me had become the inner peace and love with nature. Now I yearn for that feeling again as I am back in Sydney been one year and I am discovering how to connect with it. After leaving Perth after a year and coming back to Sydney the place where everything has always felt shattered health wise money wise family wise and relationship wise I wanted to reconnect with old friends I had missed so much. My real me was awakened and I had to celebrate it with them. However when I got here I couldn’t relate to anyone and we got into quarrels and relationships ended. I self excluded my myself from the place I used to gamble, I was off my medications as well so the transition was really really horrible. When I self excluded I did achieve great business and financial success for me. Last year in April I decided I would unbann my self and get in touch with old friends there, it was over 1.5 years that I left the gambling life. Returning socially began returning daily and gambling daily. At this time I forgot to mention I was seeing a gentleman whom now I have come to realise cannot give me what I’m looking for. What am I looking for ? Relapsing mid last year and now we are in February it has been 3 weeks I have not been exposing myself to the gaming scene however not being self excluded is very hard and not just that the financial losses I have had I just can’t handle. I chose not to self exclude and I have chosen instead for the time being to focus on my self esteem journey. I have a new relationship counsellor and together we are working together to get back what I lost and that was my true self. Without work or savings and without the perfect health and perfect realtionship many thoughts go on in my mind and I am in a very frightening place again. However the journey to recovery is never ending, just like the journey to finding the right partner or gaining the right lifestyle, it’s never ending and there is no state of perfection that can be achieved for me right now and I’m ok with that. Connecting to my inner self and the true source of happiness with gods love there is no better awareness of that. That’s something we can never lose its always there when we tune in. Today I still come on gamtalk, I used it for about 6 months I believe as gambling counsellor wasn’t what my mind body and spirit resonate with. I found that we are afraid of the unknown so we stay to the familiar like gambling. Remembering who we are and and why we are here is just the beginning to any healing of addictive behaviour. Be gentle on yourself yet be honest a relapse may appear really painful financially and I do know the feeling it’s so toxic but who knows if we all sat in silence and asked ourselves some questions what we would find. Thanks to flower essences my life changed, the answer was in nature all along in the silence away from the need to over entertain our minds with bright lights and money making illusions. For now I will go knowing what I know and that’s enough. Words can’t explain but it’s a feeling I have that tells me that i always gave it my best shot. One other important thing has anyone told you how special you are ? Well you are we are we all are and the ones that want to hurt us are now forgiven. Love and light to everyone Flower essences.